"You Know What You Should Do..."
The moment you announce you're pregnant, the unsolicited advice begins. From family members, from strangers in the grocery store, from people who had babies decades ago and think things haven't changed. Everyone has opinions about what you should do with your baby.
And the advice will contradict itself: "Babies need to cry it out" meets "Never let a baby cry alone." "Feed on demand" meets "Get them on a schedule." "Co-sleep" meets "Never co-sleep." Everyone is sure they're right.
One of the most important skills in parenthood is learning to hear advice, take what serves you, and gracefully dismiss the rest. Here's how.
Why So Much Unsolicited Advice?
Understanding where the advice comes from helps you respond with less defensiveness.
People want to help. They've survived parenting; they want to pass on what worked for them. It's often well-intentioned, even if unwelcome.
People have strong feelings about parenting. How you parent your child can feel threatening to how someone else parented theirs (which was based on different information and their own circumstances).
It's generational. What was recommended 20 years ago is sometimes contraindicated now. Safe sleep recommendations, feeding guidelines, and development knowledge have changed. People might not realize that.
They're maybe a little bored. Unsolicited advice is a conversation starter. It's something to say.
You're changing something fundamental. Becoming a parent is huge. People who love you might feel a little left behind or worried about how it will change your relationship.
Types of Unsolicited Advice
The Well-Meaning Relative
Usually your parents, in-laws, or older family members. They survived raising you and want to make sure you're doing it right. They might not realize how much things have changed. They mean well, but their advice is often outdated.
The Sanctimonious Friend or Acquaintance
They've found "the right way" to parent and want to make sure everyone knows. Everything you're doing is wrong. Their advice is presented as fact, often with judgment.
The Stranger in Public
The person at the grocery store who comments on your baby's crying, your outfit choice, your feeding approach. Usually brief and easy to dismiss, but can feel startling in the moment.
The Internet
Anonymous advice on social media, parent forums, and comment sections. Often confident and contradictory. Easy to get lost in.
The Doctor or Professional
Sometimes you're getting advice from a professional who might not fully understand your situation or values. This one requires more care.
How to Respond
The Gracious Nod
Use this when the advice is harmless and you want to keep the relationship easy.
"Thank you for sharing! I appreciate your experience. We'll figure out what works for us."
This acknowledges them without agreeing, and then you move on. You're not committing to doing anything; you're being polite.
The Curious Question
When advice seems wrong or problematic, sometimes asking questions helps.
"Interesting. Where did you hear that? I've read something different, but I'm always learning."
This gives them a chance to explain (and often they realize how outdated their advice is). It also gives you information about whether this is truly held opinion or just something they half-remember.
The Boundary
Sometimes you need to be clearer.
"I appreciate your perspective. We've made a decision about this, and we're comfortable with it. Thanks for understanding."
You're being respectful but firm. You're not opening it up for debate.
The Firm Boundary
When the advice is repeated, disrespectful, or undermining your parenting:
"I need you to trust me with decisions about my child. If you can't support how we're parenting, let's talk about what that looks like."
This is for people close to you where the relationship matters. You're setting a real boundary.
The Timeout
When someone consistently disrespects your parenting or undermines your decisions, you might need space.
"I love you, but I can't be around commentary on my parenting right now. Let's take a break from visits and reconnect when I'm feeling more grounded."
This is the nuclear option and rare, but sometimes necessary.
Ignoring It
For strangers and internet people: you don't owe them a response. The person at the grocery store? Their opinion has zero impact on your actual parenting. The comment section? Don't read further. You're not responsible for responding or defending yourself.
Special Situations
When Family Provides Childcare
This is tricky. If your parents or in-laws are watching your baby regularly, they have more standing in your parenting decisions. But you're still the parent.
Approach: - Be clear about non-negotiables (safety things) - Let go of things that don't matter (the shirt they choose) - Thank them for their help - Check in: "I know you do things differently; I trust you. But for [specific thing], I'd like us to do it this way because..." - Accept that the baby will do things with them differently than with you
When You're Unsure of Your Own Parenting
Sometimes unsolicited advice hits because you're already doubting yourself.
If someone criticizes how you're feeding and you're already worried about feeding, their comment lands hard. In these moments:
- Recognize that your doubt is separate from someone else's opinion
- Talk to your pediatrician or a professional you trust
- Make your own decision based on evidence and your values
- Stop reading advice that's making you more anxious
When the Advice Might Actually Be Good
You don't have to dismiss all advice. Sometimes someone offers something genuinely useful.
"You know, that's a good point. Let me think about that."
You can take someone's suggestion seriously without pretending you hadn't thought of it or without defending your current approach.
When You're the One with Opinions
Now that you're a parent, you might find yourself wanting to give unsolicited advice to other parents. Try to resist.
If someone asks, share your experience, not your judgment. "We did X and it worked for us, but every family is different."
Assume they're doing their best and making decisions that make sense for their family.
Finding Your Confidence
The antidote to unsolicited advice is internal confidence. When you know what you're doing and why, outside opinions matter less.
How to build confidence:
- Read current parenting information from reputable sources
- Talk to professionals you trust (your pediatrician, a postpartum doula, a therapist)
- Connect with other parents doing parenting in similar ways
- Remember that there's not one "right" way to parent
- Trust that you know your baby best
- Make decisions based on your values, not other people's opinions
The Meta Point
Receiving unsolicited advice is actually a chance to practice something important: trusting yourself as a parent. You're going to make thousands of decisions about your child. Some will be right; some won't. Some will be different from what other people would choose.
That's okay. That's actually perfect.
Your job isn't to parent the way your mother did or the way your sister does or the way the internet thinks is right. Your job is to parent in a way that aligns with your values, your knowledge, and your family's needs.
When someone offers unsolicited advice, you can smile and say: "Thanks. I'm figuring out what works for us."
And then trust yourself to do exactly that.
Key Takeaways
- Unsolicited advice is usually well-intentioned but often unwelcome and sometimes outdated
- You can graciously acknowledge advice without agreeing to follow it
- Boundaries are necessary and okay; you don't have to defend your parenting choices
- Be clear about non-negotiables with people who help care for your child, but flexible about less important things
- Your confidence as a parent is the best defense against unwelcome advice
- You don't owe responses to strangers or internet commenters; you can simply ignore them
- Trust that you know your child and your family best
- Make decisions based on current information, professional guidance, and your values